Mathew Keller

Thursday, 10th December, 2009

12 Alternative Christmas Films to Watch This Year

So it’s that time of year again and we start the inevitable ramp up to Christmas which, in our household, means the wife forces Christmas music on me 24/7, decorates the house from top to bottom, makes stacks of Mince Pies (which isn’t so bad) and insists on sitting through endless bad/boring Christmas films on TV or DVD.

Now you may or may not know this but I’m a bit of a film fan and let’s face it with the Quiff I often get compared to Mark Kermode so, to make this years endless torrent of Christmas spirit a bit more palatable, I thought I’d sit down and come up with a list of Christmas related films that I actually want to watch!

Of course, being the lovely guy that I am, and in the ‘true spirit’ of Christmas I thought I’d share that list with you in case you felt the urge to join me in the Season’s suffering cheer.

Without further ado then, here is my 12 Days of (Alternative) Christmas Films:

14th December:

LA Confidential (1997)

Brief synopsis: Christmas, Los Angeles, 1952. Brought together by the infamous police brutality case; "Bloody Christmas", Detective 'Ed' Exley, Officer Bud White and 'Hollywood' cop Sergeant Jack Vincennes' fates become entwined when they investigate a multiple murder at the Nite Owl coffee shop.

Christmas cheer factor: The glitz and glamour of 1950's Hollywood, the slow burning detective story counterpointed by fast-paced and often brutal action. Corruption, sex, lies, murder, organized crime, drugs, pornography, prostitution, tabloid journalism and institutional racism... hell, it's what the Christmas season's all about!

15th December:

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Brief synopsis: It's Christmas (naturally) in Los Angeles (again). A Christmas present stealing petty thief played by Robert Downey Jr. gets mistaken for an actor, ends up at a Hollywood party, meets his high school dream girl (now a fading actress), a overtly gay private detective (Val Kilmer) who offers to train him for his upcoming role and becomes embroiled in a real-life murder investigation.

Christmas cheer factor: Christmas parties, Christmas music, skimpy Christmas outfits (check out Michelle Monaghan in this image >) this light-hearted spoof neo-noir has it all.

16th December:

Lethal Weapon (1987)

Brief synopsis: December 1986; Reluctant L.A.P.D. partners, Detectives Murtaugh (Danny Glover) and Riggs (Mel Gibson) investigate a convoluted series of murders involving ex-Vietnam War buddies of Murtaughs, and become friends along the way.

Christmas cheer factor: Grumpy old man Glover vs. psychotic and suicidal Gibson, the buddy movie all subsequent buddy movies tried to be. Fast-paced, action-packed and iconic, with millions of quotable one-liners and to top it all off a Cat vs. Dog fight over Christmas dinner.

17th December:

1941 (1979)

Brief synopsis: 13th December 1941, one week after the attack on Pearl Harbor and a rouge Japanese submarine appears on the Californian coast intent on destroying Hollywood. Chaos and hilarity ensues.

Christmas cheer factor: It's by the holy trinity of Spielberg, Zemeckis and Gale. And if that's not enough I give this quote: "Ladies and gentlemen, every where I look... soldiers are fighting sailors, sailors are fighting Marines! Directly in front of me, I see a flying blond floozy! Everywhere I look... everywhere, pure pandemonium... pandemonium! "

18th December:

Trading Places (1983)

Brief synopsis: Rich boy Dan Akroyd and down-and-out Eddie Murphy have their lives swapped in a Christmas bet between brothers Randolph and Mortimer Duke. Once they realise who's behind the swap they team up to bring down the duplicitous Dukes.

Christmas cheer factor: A drunken, gun toting, urine covered Dan Akroyd crashing his old firm's Christmas party. Oh and for the boys; a certain scene with Jamie Lee Curtis in front of a mirror.

19th December:

A Christmas Story (1983)

Brief synopsis: Indiana ,1940. 9-year-old Ralph Parker wants only one thing for Christmas - an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. But with ever adult including his parents saying "You'll shoot your eye out", his chances of getting one are pretty slim.

Christmas cheer factor: It's a heart-warming and gentle nostalgic trip into small town 1940's America... Anyone? Just me then.

20th December:

Joyeux Noël (2005)

Brief synopsis: Christmas Eve, the Western Front, 1914. An informal, and unauthorized, truce is called during World War I and Scottish, German and French troops meet in No Man's Land to share Christmas mass.

Christmas cheer factor: It's a dramatisation of an actual event! Try saying that about anything else Christmas related Anyway, who doesn't like a good War film on a Sunday?

21st December:

Bad Santa (2003)

Brief synopsis: A foul-mouthed drunk Santa and his midget Elf helper rob department stores on Christmas Eve until Santa sobers up and learns what Christmas "really means" from a 8-year-old boy.

Christmas cheer factor: Sorry... you did read the synopsis above right? That isn't enough for you? Seriously, any film that has Santa Claus humping someone whilst shouting "Yeah baby, Yeah baby, you not gonna shit right for a week!" gets my vote.

22nd December:

Die Hard (1988)

Brief synopsis: Christmas Eve, Los Angeles (no surprises there). German terrorists crash an office party at the Nakatomi Plaza, take everyone hostage and proceed to rob the place. Thank heaven for New York cop John McClane then, who spoils their plans whilst freeing his wife and the other hostages single-handedly.

Christmas cheer factor: Big action sequences, quotable one-liners, that white vest, parties, songs, re-conciliations, over-weight cops and Alan Rickman's bad accent. "If this is their idea of Christmas, I gotta be here for New Year's."

23rd December:

Brazil (1985)

Brief synopsis: Lowly office worker Sam Lowry dreams of a life free from the trappings of his dystopian existence. Whilst trying to fix a clerical error he meets the woman of his dreams and they live happily ever after... or do they?

Christmas cheer factor: Honestly this IS a Christmas film, you've probably watched it a million times and not even realise it. It has a SWAT team with a body bag (Santa), pointless consumerism (Christmas shopping), gifts galore (Jill Layton tied up with a red ribbon) and even a Father Christmas (Deputy Minister Helpmann)!

Christmas Eve:

The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)

Brief synopsis: Hudsucker Industries, December 1958. After the company president commits suicide mail-room clerk Norville Barnes gets duped into replacing him in a nefarious attempt to keep the companies stock up and stop it going public.

Christmas cheer factor: Toys. "You know, for kids." Oh it snows a lot too.

Christmas Day:

Gremlins (1984)

Brief synopsis: Billy Peltzer gets an early Christmas present in the form of Mogwai Gizmo and is told to follow 3 simple rules. When these rules are inevitably broken the small town of Kingston Falls has a Christmas it will never forget.

Christmas cheer factor: It's all about Christmas! There are trees being decorated, gifts being given, merry being made, snow everywhere and Phoebe Cates' speech about how she found out there was no Santa Claus.

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